What Feels Right
by StarTrekFanWriter
Summary: Why did Spock choose Starfleet over New Vulcan?  What really felt right about his choice?  Spock!Prime will make his appearance of course.  Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own. I don't profit.**

Special thanks to Beta Notes from the Classroom.

**Chapter 1**

The ship jerked forward. Nyota couldn't see what happened, but she knew that the warp coils must have just been jettisoned out into the void. She couldn't watch. She was trying desperately to bring up the subspace signal.

Grateful sighs and prayers went up around her. Nyota's brow only furrowed deeper; her fingers moved faster.

Oh, shit.

"Lieutenant Uhura," said Kirk, "Hail Starfleet, and let them know the Narada is neutralized...and that we'll be needing new warp coils or a tow home."

"Attempting to do so now, but the subspace array is offline," said Nyota. Scanning the readouts, she tried to localize the problem.

"What?" said Kirk.

"Subspace arrays are power intensive, sir," said Nyota. "They derive their power from the warp coils -"

"I know that, Lieutenant!" Kirk snapped. "But they should have switched to auxiliary power like all other vital systems."

His irritation did not provoke any emotion in her. "The auxiliary power coupling to the array must have been damaged in the initial encounter with the Narada, Sir," said Nyota. "Seeking location of the damage now."

"We'll get engineering right on it," said Kirk, suddenly so close behind her she caught the smell of sweat and blood.

Warning beeps went off around the bridge.

"Uh-oh," said Kirk in a soft, barely audible, most uncaptainly manner. She shared the sentiment.

"Captain," said Spock, his voice getting closer, "we're losing life support on four of the main decks." Nyota turned her eyes to him but his attention was held by the monitor a few meters away. She turned her eyes back to her own screen.

"Scotty!" yelled Kirk. "We've got a problem!"

"I know, Captain," said a disembodied Scottish brogue. "I'm assembling teams now...kinna difficult, we're a bit short handed at the moment."

"Localized the problem spot in the auxiliary coupling," said Nyota.

"Captain, I can assist engineering with repairing the life support systems on the affected decks," said Spock.

"I'm gonna need a few more hands than two, Commander," said Scotty.

"May I suggest utilizing the Vulcan refugees we picked up from the near space freighter. They will have the required skill sets," said Spock in the direction of the ship comm. "I can lead half of their number in repairs to deck 9."

"Uhura, what Vulcan freighter?" whispered Kirk in the same tone he used when trying to get her to give an answer to a homework assignment.

"After we dropped you off on Delta Vega," said Nyota in a voice just as soft.

"-and may I suggest," said Spock, approaching Nyota and the captain, "that Lieutenant Uhura lead a team in restoring the subspace array. The Universal Translator is offline, but she is familiar with Vulcan customs and language; moreover, she has extensive experience in array hardware."

"I..." Nyota said. She'd only repaired array hardware in the lab, under Spock's direction.

Spock met her eyes. He seemed to soften ever so slightly, "The only difference from the lab simulators is the scale."

Kirk said, "Uhura, if we can't get life support fixed on those decks, we're going to need Starfleet help in a fuck-...in a hurry."

Licking her lips and looking between the two men, she said, "Yes, Sirs."

x x x x

Four hours later Nyota was standing outside an access conduit, one hand on her hip slippery with sweat, the other pointing to one last wire that needed to be replaced inside a small open power board. One Vulcan was following her directions. Two others were busy soldering other bits and pieces in another exposed power board, while two more were trying to repair the plate that covered the access conduit.

She heard steps behind her. Spinning on her heels, she turned to find Kirk. "Almost complete, Captain."

One of the Vulcans repairing the access conduit plate made a quick appraisal in his own language.

"What did he just say?" said Kirk.

"He said that they need more duct tape," said Nyota.

"Duct tape?"

"It's a human invention, but Vulcans utilize it a lot," said Nyota, flipping open her comm.

Kirk nodded and looked down at the Vulcan men and women.

"They aren't like Sp-, Vulcans I'm used to."

"No," said Nyota. "They're not. On Earth we see the well-connected, the scientists, and diplomats." She looked down at the Vulcan crew going about the repairs. Their garb was practical and utilitarian. Their haircuts were identical. Their hands were rough. They did not speak unless absolutely necessary. "These are...ordinary Vulcans."

"Are they...alright?" said Kirk.

Nyota tilted her head. She closed her eyes for a moment and took a breath. There were tears behind her eyes that she didn't think would flow even if she'd been alone. She was - on another plane. She remembered Spock in the turbolift. He hadn't touched her face or hands; he'd been sparing her, keeping his feelings from her to protect her. These Vulcans barely looked at her - they were having trouble containing their emotions. They didn't want to make her uncomfortable either.

"No," she said, knowing that none of these Vulcans spoke Standard. "But they will continue to perform admirably."

Shuffling his feet, Kirk looked down. "Floor is slippery."

_"Complete," _said the Vulcan at the power board.

_"Also, complete,"_ said the soldering Vulcans.

Nyota touched a few buttons on her comm and looked at the readout. "All finished, Captain. I'll report to the bridge immediately and -"

"Uhura," said Kirk, "you've got to go to sickbay with me. Carter can contact Starfleet."

"What!" said Nyota.

Kirk took her elbow in a way that was completely unprofessional, like she was a china doll. "You're bleeding, Lieutenant."

Nyota looked down at the hand she thought was soaked with sweat. A red gash ran from her elbow to her palm. "It was only a scrape," she said to herself.

"Come on," said Kirk, not letting go of her elbow. "Floor is slippery."

Nyota glanced down at the floor; it was shiny and streaked with crimson.

"You did good, Lieutenant," said Kirk leading her away.

x x x x

They were just a few meters around the bend from sick bay when Nyota overheard a female voice saying, "I can't understand you, but we've called Mr. Spock. He will be here soon."

Turning the corner, she and Kirk found themselves staring at a nurse in front of two Vulcan children. Before they'd left the Vulcan system they'd picked up a few near-range shuttles that would have been sucked into the anomaly that took the planet. These children must have been on one of those. One was a boy. If he were a human, Nyota would have guessed he was around eight. The other was a little girl, perhaps four.

"Come," the nurse said, pantomiming with her hands, "You must come back to sickbay."

"_No,"_ said the boy in Vulcan. _"I must speak to the Captain."_

"We've called Spock," said the Nurse. "Sppp-oc-kkk. I don't understand you."

"What's he saying, Uhura?" asked Kirk.

"He wants to speak to the captain," she said.

"Well, tell him I'm here," said Kirk.

Nyota followed the order.

The boy pulled the little girl forward by the wrist and stood before Kirk. He stood perfectly erect. The little girl beside him looked at the ground. Her frame seemed bent by a heavy weight. The boy spoke clearly, in the main dialect of his people, one that Nyota understood easily.

When he finished, Kirk turned to her and said, "Well?"

Nyota opened her mouth and found that she could not speak.

**A/N:**

So just my little contribution to the why Spock chose Starfleet genre. I don't think anyone has tackled it in exactly this way.

If you read this and enjoyed please leave a review – they do help me keep going.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own. I don't profit.**

Special thanks to Beta Notes from the Classroom. Check out her suspenseful "The Betrayal" in my faves if you haven't already.

**Chapter 2**

Nyota stared down at the boy. He and his sister were well dressed, but their hair was slightly disheveled. The boy had an angry green bruise upon his cheek. He did not look at her; he looked directly at the captain, unflinching.

"Well, what is he saying, Uhura?" Kirk said.

Nyota put her hand to her mouth. She couldn't bring herself to speak. She had not cried when Vulcan disintegrated, not when Spock had walked away from her in the turbolift without a backward glance, not when he left her at the transporter pad, and not when the strange vessel he piloted into the Narada exploded like a small nova.

She was going to cry now. She opened her mouth to speak, but before she could, Spock spoke for her.

"He says that we must return to the Vulcan system," Spock said. Nyota looked up. Spock and the Vulcan team he'd assembled to help him repair the life support system on deck 9 were standing behind the children. Spock wasn't looking at her; he was looking at the boy. The other Vulcans looked at the ground.

Tilting his head Spock said, " His parents put him and his sister in the two seater near-range shuttle, but they promised they would follow in their hover within minutes. His mother affirmed that she could modify it for extra atmospheric travel. Vulcans do not lie; therefore, their parents must be there, waiting."

There was no way a hover could be modified for extra atmospheric travel. Vulcans did not lie - unless there was some un-equivocal greater good that could be served by doing so. Like ensuring the compliance of your children when you knowingly went to your death.

...Or trying to maintain the morale of someone you loved when you went on a suicide mission.

Nyota saw the nurse biting her lip.

Kirk wiped his hand down his face and then kneeled down to eye level of the boy. "We're kinda stuck here for now. But I'm sure Federation rescue ships are already there - and as soon as our warp coils are replaced we'll go there, too. In the meantime, I need you to go back to sickbay. It's logical to stay healthy until we get there, right?"

Pulling herself together, Nyota made the translation. The Vulcan boy stood motionless for a moment, and then pulling his sister by the wrist, he headed towards the sick bay doors.

"You too, Uhura," Kirk said, putting his hand under her elbow again.

Spock's eyes followed the motion in a way that was almost predatory. Nyota's mouth went a little dry at the show of emotion. For a moment she'd thought she was invisible to him, but he did still _see_ her.

"You are injured?" he said, putting his hands behind his back.

Nyota held up the wrist of her injured arm, "It was only a scrape."

Eying the wound on her arm, Spock pulled back his head slightly. Nyota blinked; it wasn't that bad was it?

"I concur with the Captain. You must go to sick bay," said Spock.

Nyota gently detached her elbow from Kirk's hand. "I'll make it by myself," she said.

Nodding to her, Spock stepped out of her way to let her slip past him. She thought she felt his eyes on her, but glancing back as she stepped through the bay doors she saw him down the hall, tilting his head in Kirk's direction.

x x x x

Flexing the arm with the dermaskin repair on it, Nyota entered her quarters. Not because she wanted to be there, because Dr. McCoy had ordered her to go to her quarters and get some rest, and she'd obeyed as though she were in a trance.

Now she looked at the space she'd only glanced at as they left Earth. There was a small door that led to a toilet, another that led to the sonic shower, and a sink in the main room itself opposite the door. On either side of her was a desk that folded into a bed, with a storage unit above each. On one desk lay Nyota's standard issue duffel; on the other lay a duffel that said it belonged to Cadet Anne Park. Between Anne's bed and her storage unit there were small portholes to the stars.

Nyota had never seen Anne. They had missed each other in those first early moments. Nyota wondered when her phantom roommate would materialize.

It was an hour after Nyota had patched up the auxiliary coupling to the subspace array. A Starfleet relief vessel team had taken over the main functions of the Enterprise and allowed her crew to take a much-needed rest.

Nyota stared at Anne's lonely duffel. She was exhausted and wired, empty, and almost surprised to be in her quarters. Why had she given in to McCoy's suggestion so easily?

She wanted to find Spock. No. Needed to find him. No matter how quickly he'd recovered his composure after the fateful fight with Kirk on the bridge, he was not composed. She could feel it in the pit of her stomach, through the bond between them that wasn't a true bond, a swirling mass of anger, despair, grief, shame and failure.

Nodding to herself, she turned to leave the small space. Just as she reached the door it chimed. Pressing the admittance button, she found herself face to face with Spock. Not saying a word, just moving out of his way, she let him in and then closed the door.

Spock looked at Anne's duffel.

"I don't know when she'll be back," said Nyota, "but we're alone for now."

"She will not be back," said Spock. "She died. Did you not see her name on the list of casualties?"

Nyota stared at the duffel of her phantom roommate...who was now really a phantom. She put her hand to her face. The universe seemed to be collapsing in on itself, into a denser and denser mass of despair.

He tilted his head. "You did not know her. You did not think to look for her name; it was meaningless to you."

Feeling a slight rush of cold, Nyota said, "And you remember all the names." Whether he wanted to or not.

Without responding, Spock opened the storage unit above Anne's bed. He picked up Anne's duffel and gently, almost reverently, put it in. Closing the compartment with fluid motions he said, "Her family will want her personal effects."

Bringing his hands down behind his back he turned and stared at her.

Closing the space between them she wrapped him in her arms and laid her head on his shoulder. His arms went around her waist immediately. At another time his hands would have gone to her temples or to her fingertips to transmit all that he was feeling. They didn't now.

"Nyota," he said. "If it is not an imposition, may I stay here for a while?"

He was being so polite, so formal. They hadn't mapped out the rules of what their relationship would be aboard a starship - true, on the transporter pad he'd broken every rule they might have made, but then he thought he was dying.

Pulling back, Nyota gazed up at him. Now that he was alive, he was uncertain how to proceed.

"Of course," she said.

"Perhaps we should sit down," Spock said.

Nyota looked at her desk. "I know it folds out but I'm not sure how..."

Dropping his hands quickly and pulling away, Spock went to the desk her duffel rested on. Lifting the duffel to the side and going to the far end of the desk he said, "Allow me. It is the same design as what I had on the Farragut."

His motions were fluid and certain again, and Nyota realized he was anxious to do something - anything, that he could do, to control whatever tiny little part of the universe he could control.

"Thank you," she said, carefully, staying out of his way.

When the bed was open, handily already made, Spock sat down at the edge of it, upright and rigid, his hands clasped in front of him. She sat down next to him and put her hands on the fabric on his wrists. He seemed so fearful of empathic contact she was afraid to touch his skin.

Placing a hand awkwardly on her clothed shoulder, he squeezed gently, in what she took to be a gesture of thanks. For not touching his skin, for allowing him to stay in her quarters, for just being there, she did not know.

"My quarters are currently occupied by my father and the Vulcan elders from the Katric Arc," Spock said softly. "They are in meditation now, but they have been discussing the best ways to go about rebuilding our race."

_Our_ race. But they were only half his race...

"They are already discussing creating a new home world," Spock said.

"There are Vulcan colonies throughout the Federation," Nyota said. "I'm sure one of them would be a good starting place."

Spock shook his head. "They feel none is adequate for the task of absorbing 10,000 or more refuges. Nor do they believe any are similar enough to Vulcan. There is a belief that the climate of Vulcan is essential to the maintenance of the Vulcan cultural identity. They believe it is best to start...anew." Taking a deep breath he said, "Nor do they want to risk inciting hostilities between the colonies. A few valuable artifacts were saved when we beamed off Vulcan. Entrusting them to one colony or another would be...politically inconvenient."

Nyota sighed, "That is illogical."

Kissing her head, he said, "Yes."

He rested his head on top of hers for a moment, and then he said, "My father believes that my skills and connections with Starfleet would be useful in establishing a new colony."

Pulling away he said, "He has asked that I consider joining him in this task."

She felt her heart stopping and her body going cold.

Spock turned to meet her eyes. "Nyota, I do not know what to do."

**A/N:**

If you read and enjoyed, please review. It's the only way Notes and I get paid!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own. I don't profit.**

Special thanks to Beta Notes from the Classroom – check out her story "The Betrayal" in my faves.

**Chapter 3**

Nyota felt like her temperature had just dropped. So many were dead...her friends...Gaila? Her mysterious roommate. He wasn't the only one who'd lost. And they'd worked so hard for so long to be together. Now when she needed him, and if he admitted it, he needed her, he was thinking about leaving?

She wanted to scream. But something else came out. "After my grandfather died my grandmother's priest recommended that she make no life altering decisions right away." Swallowing, she looked at the floor and whispered. "It is best, he said...to wait a while after tragedy, before making life altering decisions...it is too easy to make a choice you will regret in the heat of emotion."

"That is...wise advice, Nyota," Spock said.

Perhaps. But it was not wisdom that prompted Nyota to speak it. It was calculated. She wasn't ready for him to say he was leaving; she couldn't handle it, not right now. She closed her eyes. The priest recommended a year of reflection at least - but she knew Spock wouldn't have the luxury of so much time.

_She_ wouldn't have the luxury of so much time.

"We should sleep," she said.

"Also wise," said Spock. He sat motionless for a few moments and then said, "Would it be too much of an imposition if I stay?"

Nyota pulled her wrist out of his hand and wrapped her arms around his stiff frame. He closed his eyes and a sound that was almost a sigh passed from his lips.

"No, of course not," said Nyota. "Of course not."

x x x x

An hour later Nyota was still awake staring at the ceiling. Spock's body was pressed against hers. He wore his full uniform except his boots and was under Nyota's blankets. Long ago his body had shuddered through the spasms of REM sleep; now his breathing was deep and regular.

Nyota wore only a t-shirt, and only half her body was under the sheet. Turning her head she gazed out the portholes.

Starfleet would let Spock resign his commission under the circumstances, she was sure of that. Would they let her?

She looked with a sinking stomach at the shimmering stars. There was something cold and hard and in her mind that she hated to look at, but could not ignore. As great as the injustice to the Vulcan people, as much as she loved Spock, the stars still beckoned her. Could she let them go? And if she did, would she be too bitter to be what Spock needed?

Spock draped an arm around her and pulled her more tightly to him. Hot tears came to Nyota's eyes. Could she let him go?

She closed her eyes, and eventually the exhaustion of the horror of the day and her own tears let her sleep.

x x x

Starfleet did not let the Enterprise go to the Vulcan System. She and her crew were too valuable. Starfleet wanted to debrief nearly everyone aboard to learn as much as they could about the Nero and his weapons. A team of engineers set upon the Enterprise herself to see what they could learn from the blows the ship had taken.

Nyota walked down the hallway and stopped just outside Spock's temporary quarters, two flights from her own in the officers' dormitory. Brushing a stray strand of hair behind an ear she entered his access code. It had been a long, exhausting day.

Bowing her head into the rush of hot air that greeted her she entered Spock's apartment, she nearly collided with a tall frame. Nyota looked up; it wasn't Spock. It was his father, Sarek. She jumped a little. She'd been on egg shells since they'd arrived back on Earth two days ago. She was trying to maintain her calm, trying to stay rational, trying to make no ultimatums because...that was wrong, wasn't it? And every waking minute she wasn't working, and he wasn't working, they spent in each other's presence because...because...who knew how long they would have together? If Spock left for New Vulcan, less than a month.

But even though they were together, she felt like they were dancing around one another. They hardly teased each other; they did not make love. Worst of all, Spock hardly ever linked with her, and when he did he was so cautious, so contained; he might as well have been a stranger.

Sarek stared down at her, his face inscrutable, eyes almost unblinking. Nervously, she looked around him and saw Spock just a little further in the foyer.

Swallowing, she said, "Am I interrupting something?"

"No," said Sarek. "I was just leaving."

Her stomach took a precipitous fall, and somehow she knew Spock had made up his mind, and she wasn't going to like it.

The door whooshed closed behind her as Sarek left the room.

Coming forward Spock brushed her cheek with the back of his fingers and kissed her forehead.

"You're going to New Vulcan, aren't you?" she said.

"With the state of my people being what it is, it is logical for all of us to participate in the rebuilding effort," Spock said. "Joining my father on the colony is perhaps -"

Nyota sucked in a long breath. It sounded like a hiss.

"You must understand," Spock said, "this in no way reflects upon you, Nyota ,and how I...how I..."

"The word you're looking for is 'feel,'" she said, turning her eyes to the ground and hating how angry her voice sounded.

"Yes," said Spock, his voice was low and dangerous.

She looked up startled.

For a moment she thought she saw anger flash in his eyes. Pulling his hand away quickly, he stepped back.

Lunging forward, Nyota caught him by his shirt. "Stop running away from me! Stop hiding from me!"

As fast as his fists had rained down on Kirk, his fingers were on her temples and they were connected. It was not a telepathic link, it was just empathic...but even in this lighter touch her mind filled with a silent scream. She felt like she couldn't breathe, like she was being ripped in two. He didn't want to leave her.

"Nyota, my people, my people..." he whispered. Her head began to hurt. Images of the Vulcans he'd been working with on the Enterprise, and the two Vulcan children flashed before her eyes. The images fractured and she was feeling what he was feeling. She burst into tears. Gasps for air flooded her ears. She had the sensation of her legs giving way beneath her, and felt something hot and heavy against her forehead. She felt like she was swimming in despair and she was about to go under.

Nyota pulled back for air and broke the link. Spock's head was bowed forward. The heavy weight had been his forehead against her own. The loud gasps were his. They were sitting on the floor, knees touching, his hand suspended in mid-air where her temple had been.

"Forgive me, Nyota; I lost control," Spock said, not looking at her.

Without a word, Nyota crawled onto his lap and laid her head on his shoulder.

His eyes closed and his hands wrapped around her back. They sat in silence like that for several minutes.

Bringing a hand up to stroke her ponytail he said softly, "I do not think Starfleet will let you break your obligation to them."

He took a breath. She wondered if she was supposed to say that she'd asked. She hadn't.

Swallowing, Spock said, "But I had...I had...thought...that you might be able to join me after your five years of service are over."

Nyota's body stiffened. The uncharacteristic stumbling for words...he didn't think. He hoped. But five years was a long time. And did she want to live on New Vulcan?

"But we are not bonded," Spock said. "I understand if..."

His voice trailed off.

They had not discussed what they would do if he went to New Vulcan. Maybe because Nyota knew he'd want to stay together. He was Vulcan. It's what they did. She wasn't sure. Her emotions were jumbled; there was a part of her that felt rejected, that felt like he was asking her to martyr herself.

Nyota shook her head, "I...I don't know..."

Spock's hand stopped. They sat in silence for a few more minutes. At last Spock said, "We both require sustenance. Perhaps we should make dinner?"

"Yes, okay," Nyota said. Shakily climbing to her feet, she straightened her uniform. She didn't look at Spock.

Spock stood behind her. She briefly heard him tinkering with the climate control - he always lowered the temperature to something in between what they both felt truly comfortable. He followed her into the kitchen in silence.

Spock took out the recipe - for her benefit, he had it memorized-ginger tofu and peapods.

Nyota speared the ginger root with a fork and began to slice away the skin on a cutting board Spock laid out for her.

It was a tricky business, holding the small piece of ginger still with a fork while trying to cut it. But she did it out of respect for his Vulcan sensibilities.

Bringing the knife down, her hand holding the fork slipped. She tried to correct her hold and somehow managed to nick her own thumb.

Spock turned. "Are you alright? Should I get a derm-aid?"

Nyota put her thumb into her mouth and sucked on the cut. The room was still so hot; she could feel perspiration on her forehead.

"If I didn't have to use the stupid fork!" she said.

She took a deep breath and looked at Spock. His face was a mask.

"I have to get out of here," she said. She closed her eyes. It was too hot. "I have to get out...I have to think..."

Spock said nothing as she bolted for the door.

**A/N:**

Usually, Nyota has her self a little more "emotionally" together, but she just endured a very trying experience, I think she's allowed to fall apart a bit.

So much angst! But hey, the ending is happy and we all know that.

Nyota & Reboot!Spock's POV next chapter. And Spock!Prime shows up.

…and chapter 5…well…bwahahahahaha…

Reviews are the only way we get paid. Would love to hear from everyone!


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Don't Own. Don't Profit.**

Special thanks to Beta Notes from the Classroom. Check out her latest "The Betrayal" in my Faves.

**Chapter 4**

Nyota woke in her own apartment for the first time since she'd come back to Earth. The bed felt too big and too cold. Her comm was ringing. Rolling over, she squinted at her clock: 05:30. She looked at the number on her comm and her eyes got wide. Lunging out of bed she hit her comm button just before it went to voice mail.

Her brother Jabari's face filled the screen. He was in his quarters on his ship rubbing his head. His eyes were slightly hooded, and he looked thinner than she remembered

"Jabari," she said. "You're alive!" She hadn't been worried, but she'd been trying to reach him on her own comm since she'd come to Earth and only gotten a smattering of emails in return.

He grinned, "I'm alive? You're alive! When we thought you were on the Farragut..." His voice trailed off.

Starfleet records had shown she was on the Farragut when it encountered Nero. When her family heard the Farragut had been destroyed, her brother had headed to the Vulcan system to help in the rescue attempts. When Jabari received her email saying she was safe, he'd stayed on – along with other independent volunteers from all over the galaxy.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"Oh, we picked up a few surviving Vulcans about two days ago and transferred them to the Red Cross Cruiser, but we haven't found anyone since then." Looking down and rubbing the side of his head he said, "Not alive."

Nyota frowned; her brother kept rubbing his head, almost nervously. It wasn't like her brother to be nervous...ever. "But how are you?"

Looking up and blinking at her he said, "Oh, me? I'm fine. I just haven't slept…in a while." He rubbed his head again.

If Nyota had been there she would have grabbed his hand. "Maybe you should sleep now?"

Scowling, he said, "What? I just got hold of you after thinking you'd been blasted into space dust. The least you can do is talk to me for a while."

Nyota smiled.

"How are you, Ny? Bet they have a lot of questions for you at Starfleet?" he said.

"Yes, they have," said Nyota rolling her eyes. "Today I'm scheduled to help repair the Enterprise's Universal Translator. It's a huge relief to be out from under the interrogation lamp."

Jabari's face got serious. "How is Spock doing?"

Nyota frowned.

"That good?" said Jabari.

Nyota shrugged. Scowling and not looking at her brother she said, "The Vulcan elders are planning on establishing a new colony. He is resigning his commission to help."

"Yeah..." said Jabari. "I guess we'd do the same."

Nyota looked up quickly. Jabari was rubbing his head again absent-mindedly. Eyes unfocused he said, "If it was Earth - "

"They treated him like a second class citizen," snapped Nyota. "And now he wants to give up everything he worked for -"

"Who's they?" said Jabari. "The arrogant sons-of-bitches in the Vulcan Science Academy, or the High Council and their telepathic Gray Guard henchmen?"

Nyota went a little cold at mention of the Gray Guard.

"Come on, Ny. The Romulans...Humans...all have had their share of..." He shook his head. "But that's not really who this is about, is it?"

"Who is it about?" Nyota asked, folding her arms over her chest. But she knew. It was about the Vulcans who pushed aside their own grief and helped fix the subspace array and life support systems of the Enterprise. It was about parents who gave their only escape to their children. It was about the Vulcan scholar, T'Lan, and her associates who were responsible for Nyota's first published paper, and Tyback the Vulcan she and Spock had helped get into Starfleet. Putting her hand to her forehead she said, "No, I know. I just...I just don't want to lose him."

"Yeah," Jabari said, "that's rough."

At that moment the door behind him slid open. A Romulan woman entered. Long black wavy hair was pulled back from mourning markings tattooed on half her face in a style that was too familiar to Nyota now.

"_You haven't slept in 48.23 hours. What are you doing awake?"_ she said to Jabari in Romulan.

"_I couldn't sleep. I'm talking to my sister,"_ he said.

Turning to the screen, the woman said, "Hello, Nyota."

"Hello, Rhin," said Nyota.

She turned back to Jabari, _"If you can't sleep, I can assist."_

"Ummm..." said Jabari giving a bashful look in Nyota's direction.

Nyota blinked.

"_The Red Cross Cruiser gave us some sedatives,"_ said Rhin, hands on her hips_. "I understand they're strong enough to knock out a full grown Gorn. If you don't behave reasonably and try to sleep I will be forced to give you some."_

Jabari looked back to Nyota and whispered, "Ny, she's not bluffing...I better go...Love you, little sister."

Before she could reply, the screen went black.

Nyota sat back in her chair. She wondered about Rhin, Jabari's mysterious engineer - now apparently aiding in the effort to find Vulcan survivors. How many Vulcans were left?

She stared down at her hands. Jabari was right. If it had been Earth destroyed...

She'd want to rebuild, if it meant working her fingers to the bone. Even if it meant swallowing her bitterness and saying goodbye to the stars. And Heaven help anyone who tried to keep her from it.

x x x x

Spock focused on closing the last button of his instructor uniform. His fingers slipped infinitesimally, delaying completion of the fastening by approximately .5 seconds. He took a deep breath. He put on one boot, and then the other, trying to make his moves as smooth and efficient as possible.

As he packed a PADD into his bag, left the apartment, and hailed a hover cab off campus, he tried to give each task, no matter how trivial, his full attention. It was a Vulcan technique for maintaining calm. It was a human technique for achieving same. His mother said the Buddhists called it mindfulness.

It worked to a certain extent. In the cab he slipped the PADD out of his bag and began to review the data his father had collected. When his cab was cut off by another driver, he did not erupt in rage at the six second delay. When he saw human couples walking hand in hand he did not clench his fists. He returned his eyes to the data, but anger flitted at the back of his consciousness.

Sarek was working with Starfleet, Earth's Vulcan Embassy and a large private charity to put together a database of survivors. This meant combining the databases of other worlds where Vulcan expats resided, as well as getting travel logs from private and public transports that had been in route to and from Vulcan when Nero's attack occurred. Every one had their own particular data structures. Combining them was a monumental task, and the need was great.

Despite only 10,000 or so Vulcan survivors from the planet itself, there were millions of other Vulcans off planet at the time of destruction. Now all were trying to find out if any members of their families survived.

The hover cab stopped. Putting his PADD away and paying his fare, Spock got out and walked through a shrine of flowers and spent candles that humans had left outside the front of the Embassy gates.

Once inside the embassy doors, Spock crossed a wide open area usually used to host official functions and cultural exhibits. Now it was filled with desks manned by humans and Vulcans. Around the desks milled more humans and Vulcans not associated with the embassy. In Standard and Vulcan Spock caught snatches of, "I am looking for...", "I have a friend...", "A relative..."

His father and mother had met in this building.

It was better not to think of that.

Spock focused his eyes on a wide staircase leading up to the second level of offices. He took the steps three at a time. At the top landing he walked along a row of offices with glass walls. A scene in one caught his attention. It was the two Vulcan children from the Enterprise sitting at a large desk with a human woman sitting between them. The older child was scribbling on a PADD; the human appeared to be demonstrating how to cut with scissors for the younger one. Spock straightened. He knew his father had been keeping the children, but what were they doing here at a place of work?

Spock felt his spine relax, and a sense of calm come over him, as though a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding was released.

"They may have a surviving aunt." It was his father's voice. Turning, he saw Sarek walking towards him. "I spoke with a human psychologist; they suggested not placing them in school until their situation is resolved. And the boy wants to be here in the event there is any news." His father pivoted and inclined his head towards the next office down.

"Come," Sarek said.

Spock entered the office a pace behind his father. A desk had been pushed to the side and an oval conference table put in its stead. There were two human men in the room. Spock recognized them both: his friend Professor Toshi Matsumura from Starfleet's computer department and Josef Friedman, the founder of Holosuite, one of the galaxy's richest men, and Sarek's best man when –

Spock took a breath.

Toshi stood up and bowed in Spock's direction. He was about 50 human years old, his frame was slight, he was dressed neatly...and he was smiling. For a moment Spock's nostrils flared at the incongruous smile uncalled for in the situation, and then he remembered Nyota telling him that Japanese people had a tendency to smile when they were very uncomfortable.

"Spock," Toshi said, now sitting down. "I was just informing your father and Mr. Friedmann about the resources Starfleet is prepared to share in the efforts to locate and identify survivors."

"Hardly any," said Josef pushing his glasses up his nose. Despite his six odd decades Josef still looked much as Spock remembered him from his childhood, tall, and thinner than his father, face very smooth for a human his age, but now his hair was completely white.

"Eh, Spock's skills are valuable, but yes, otherwise the resources they offer are inadequate," said Toshi. He bowed his head so low he almost hit the table. "But you will be able to collect information in Starfleet's name. That should allow you to more easily access data from private corporations and governments that are legally unable to share data..."

"Professor Matsumura is right," said Sarek. "We will need special approval from a judge to go around laws designed to protect privacy." He sat down and nodded at Spock to take the seat next to him.

What followed was an explanation of privacy laws among various Federation planets, and what procedures were necessary to get special dispensation around these laws. Spock had never understood the expression, "bored to tears," but he was certain, if he could cry, this topic would bring it on.

At length Sarek said to Professor Matsumura, "You are free to go." As the little man left he looked back at Spock and gave what Spock was 95% certain was a sympathetic look.

His father and Josef talked on. At a certain level Spock could appreciate the finesse with which they schemed to sidestep inconvenient regulations. It was almost a game to them, he realized, like 3D chess. But he felt useless...frustrated...and bored.

He looked down at the data on his PADD in front of him. There were more male than female survivors. Vulcan males without bond-mates could be dangerous...

His mind drifted back to the night before with Nyota. She hadn't felt violated when he poured all of his emotions into her - not at that moment, but when she left...What had she felt? What did it matter? She said she wasn't sure she could wait five years, and it was doubtful Starfleet would let her out of her obligations - even if she wanted to go.

He lifted his head. He couldn't think of this now. And he couldn't think about the intricacies of Federation privacy laws. Giving in to an impulse he said, "Why won't Starfleet donate more resources to our efforts?"

There was a moment of silence.

Tilting his head, his father said, "Nero may not have been affiliated with the Empire, but he may as well have been."

"The Klingon and Federation fleets have both lost nearly half their vessels," said Josef.

Looking down at his hands Sarek said, "It may give us the opportunity to form a truce with the Klingons - or perhaps even an alliance."

Josef looked at his father, and then back to Spock. "My own fleet of freight ships has reported Romulan ships congregating at the edges of Federation and Romulan space; there are rumors they are doing the same at the borders of the Klingon Empire as well. And that's just what I know..."

Turning his gaze back to Spock, Sarek said, "Starfleet will know more. Undoubtedly they are very busy right now. Most likely trying to decipher the technology that allowed Nero to overwhelm us so easily."

"But that is something we cannot control," said Josef looking down at his PADD. "Now, one thing I am particularly concerned about is the Tellurite transports between Vulcan and Nimbus 415…."

"Indeed," said Sarek. "Perhaps if we contact the former Tellurite Ambassador. We were both on good terms with him and his wife -"

And so it went. When Spock's PADD blinked that he had an incoming text message from Nyota, he stared at it for 3.2 seconds. He wasn't sure what to expect; he didn't think he could deal with anything dramatic at the moment. His control was so frail. Better to read it later.

He looked up from the PADD.

"According to Federation law 112-A67B subsection 13," Sarek said, "in colonies that are not incorporated..."

Spock looked back down at his PADD and opened the message.

_My Spock,_

_I am so sorry. Please forgive me. _

_I don't want to give up on us. Can we meet tonight?_

_Nyota_

Since he'd watched his world crumble, Nyota had been the one constant. Until last night she'd seemed to anticipate all his needs, refused him nothing and asked him for nothing. But hadn't she lost, too? His mother and Nyota had been "subspace" friends. And there was Gaila, and she had many acquaintances among the dead. It wasn't as great as his loss, but it was still immense. It was illogical to think that it wouldn't affect her behavior. He thought back to his own lapse on the bridge - at least she hadn't tried to strangle him.

He lifted an eyebrow. Would she laugh if he told her that? Would she ever be able to laugh again? And would he be able to touch her fingers if she did?

She was working on the _Enterprise's_ Universal translator today. She would have gone up as part of a larger engineering crew; they would not have used transporters. The standard shift would end at 17:00; the shuttle would arrive planet side at approximately 17:23.

He quickly composed a reply.

_I will meet you in the hangar when you return._

At 16:55, his father said, "Josef and I will continue this discussion over dinner. Perhaps you would like to join us?"

It was with some relief that Spock said, "I have a previous engagement."

He felt his spine stiffen inexplicably, and a tightness in his chest.

"Excuse me," said Sarek turning away. Spock was in too much of a rush to leave to ponder his father's comment.

x x x x

Spock was at the hangar at 17:20. He was just a few meters away from the bay where Nyota's shuttle was scheduled to land. A familiar form was walking away from him.

"Father?" said Spock, wondering why he wasn't at dinner with Josef.

The figure stopped, and turned around. As his head turned, Spock saw the profile of a Vulcan much older than Sarek.

The strange Vulcan turned around completely and began walking in Spock's direction. "I am not our father."

**A/N:**

Yes, I do have a whole plot line (in my head) about how Jabari got pardoned. I thought about alluding to it here, but it would be meaningless to new readers.

Josef is a character from "The Native" - my Sarek/Amanda origins fic. He also pops up in "The Girls Alright"...one of the funner stories I've written I think.

If you're enjoying this fic please leave a review!


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own. I don't profit. And I'm not nice to Bob Orci's vision in this chapter.**

Verky special thanks to beta Notes from the Classroom. She has some concerns, but beta'd this chapter anyway.

**Chapter 5**

"I am not our father," the elder said.

"_Our _father." Vulcans did not speak imprecisely. This was his elder self. Spock was not surprised an elder version of himself had entered this timeline. The ship aboard the Narada had already alerted him to his other self's existence. He _was_ surprised to see this version of himself in the hangar.

Walking forward the elder Vulcan said, "There are so few Vulcans left. We cannot afford to ignore each other."

He'd assumed his other incarnation must have been killed by Nero. But thinking back on it, he realized he should have deduced this was not true. Even Spock had noticed Kirk being evasive when the ship from the future had recognized Spock as its owner. He tilted his head. Kirk and this...elder...this other version of him had met. "Then why did you send Kirk aboard when you alone could have explained the truth?"

Nodding his head slightly the elder said, "Because you needed each other. I could not deprive you of the revelation of all you could accomplish together. Of a friendship, that will define you both, in ways you cannot yet realize."

Spock's mind spun. This explanation was wrong on several different levels. Apparently, the elder seemed to be making assumptions about the personalities of Jim Kirk and himself based on the men they were in a different timeline. Illogical. Second, the elder seemed to think that events in this timeline would unfold in the same way they had in his own. Also illogical. But more importantly, this lie had put the lives of everyone aboard the Enterprise, not to mention the safety of Earth -indeed, perhaps the galaxy-on the line.

Whatever his feelings of Jim Kirk were before, Spock knew him well enough to realize that he would not have put so much at risk without good reason. Kirk might be vain, arrogant, and cocksure, but he wasn't stupid.

Spock felt himself go hot. They'd been pawns to this man's illogic. His brow furrowed. "How did you persuade him to keep your secret?"

The elder said smoothly, "He inferred that universe ending paradoxes would ensue should he break his promise."

The furrows in Spock's brow deepened. "You lied," said Spock, not attempting to hide the disapproval in his voice.

"Awwww...I...I implied," said the elder Vulcan without any hint of remorse. In fact...Spock tilted his head. It was almost as though the elder found the situation slightly humorous. Did this being not consider the lives in this timeline to be as real as the lives in his own?

Clenching his hands tightly behind his back, Spock said, "A gamble." Only a deeply ingrained respect for elders allowed him from launching into a tirade against this other version of himself. This man was frail - physically, but most likely mentally as well.

"An act of faith. One I hope you will repeat in the future at Starfleet," said the elder.

At the word 'faith,' Spock's suspicions of mental frailty were confirmed. Was it age, or a side affect of being drawn through the anomaly? It did not matter. He would not point out the illogic of an abstract concept like 'faith' to someone whose grasp on reality was too tenuous. Instead he merely said, "In the face of extinction it is only logical I resign my Starfleet commission and help rebuild our race."

Head bobbing slightly the elder said, "And yet, you can be in two places at once. I urge you to remain in Starfleet. I have already located a suitable planet on which to establish a Vulcan colony. Spock, in this case, do yourself a favor. Put aside logic. Do what feels right."

What felt right?

Spock stared at the elder. All of the suffering, the death, and the pain that existed in this reality; were they just _abstractions_ to this old man?

The image of his mother's eyes widening as the cliff collapsed beneath her, the unshed tears in Nyota's eyes in the turbolift, the Vulcans on the Enterprise left homeless, selflessly putting aside their emotions to repair the ship...To see such injustice, such suffering was to _feel _that it had to be made right. His people needed a home and protection. Yes, it was _logical _to help in rebuilding their future, but he _felt_ it must be done as well.

He did not expect the task to be fascinating, or as intellectually rewarding as life in Starfleet. In fact he expected tedium. He knew that sometimes he would face the old prejudices - but he was neither human or Vulcan, he encountered prejudice everywhere. He would have to leave Nyota; that filled him with despair. But he could not turn away from the logical path; he would never be able to forgive himself.

The elder began walking away. For a few moments Spock considered apprehending him, but on what charge? How would he prove his mental instability? And Starfleet knew he was here...Of course, he'd probably been the one to help Kirk and Scotty beam aboard at warp. This man was Starfleet's only link to the technology of the future. Starfleet and the galaxy needed him, even if he was unstable.

Did they know he was unstable? Spock would have to talk to his father. It sounded as though the elder intended to stay on the Vulcan colony. Sarek could arrange some unobtrusive observation, perhaps put him essentially on house arrest without the old man even realizing he was on house arrest.

Turning, the old man said, "Since my customary farewell would appear oddly self-serving I will simply say, good luck." He held up his hand in the Vulcan salute.

Spock decided it was best to humor him. Slowly he raised his own hand in turn but couldn't bring himself to speak.

Spock watched the elder walk away, and then dropped his head and turned on his heel to go find Nyota - he was late. Before he even had taken a step forward he heard her voice, "Spock..."

Lifting his head, he saw her peering around one of the shuttles. She straightened and came forward, smoothing her dress. Her eyes were wide, her mouth slightly agape. Before he could say anything she said, "I didn't want to interrupt, but I saw everything."

Walking quickly to his side she looked up at him and then gazed in the direction the old man had went. Nyota turned back to him but kept her eyes lowered. She put her arms behind her back. "Your world was destroyed, you have to make hard choices." Looking up at him with moist eyes she said, "Nothing is going to feel completely right. Do what is logical."

She neatly summed up all his internal turmoil and resolution in a few sentences. She understood him more than he understood himself. It made him want to touch her and establish an empathic link, then and there, in the hangar. Such an action was not unacceptable among bond-mates, and wasn't that essentially what they were?

He tilted his head. They were Commander and Lieutenant now. He held out his hand. "If you do not feel it inappropriate..."

She held out her own hand to his and let the pads of her fingertips graze his. Spock felt happiness and sadness from her in equal measure. He echoed it. For 1.5 minutes they stood locked in a loop of bittersweetness, and then Spock felt something dark and possessive unleash within his core.

"Let us go home," he said.

She nodded. He expected her to say, "We need to talk," but the words never came.

x x x x

Their fingers didn't separate the whole walk across campus to the officers' quarters. When they entered the elevator, Spock hit the button to her floor, it was two floors below his. He felt a slight rush of surprise. He looked at her and said, "It will save us 27.5 seconds."

Home was relative.

He felt anticipation growing in her, and his own need rising.

They slipped in step from the elevator to her door. Fingers still entwined, she hit the code to her quarters and pulled him in behind her. A rush of cold moist air hit him. She'd left the window open and the fog had rolled into the city. He did not care. Before she could turn around he slipped his hands on her temples from behind and pushed his forehead to the top of her head.

His vision was blackening.

Nyota moaned. Spock felt his lips drawn to the back of her neck. Kissing his way down he felt her shiver. When he bit down she cried out, but not in pain.

X x x

Spock collapsed backwards onto the mattress, his skin slick, his mind blank. Rolling over, Nyota lay her head on his shoulder and draped half her body over his. Bringing his hand up, he brushed her temples. He felt her consciousness there, at first blank like his, but then he felt...gratitude.

"We haven't done this in a while; it's nice," she said. "To have you back...in bed, in my mind."

He felt the gratitude, too, for the moment, for the escape from...from everything.

The longer they lay there, the more other feelings settled in. Love, affection, but the sadness as well.

They would be parted.

Nyota shivered. "You know, Spock, it took the destruction of a planet for us to have our first major fight."

It wasn't a fight precisely, but Spock wasn't going to argue semantics. He wasn't going to say anything at all, but then an errant thought entered his mind. "You mean it was not the fault of that piece of ginger?"

She huffed at the small joke. He felt a spark of amusement through his fingertips.

It was such a human...and banal…thing to say in the face of everything that had happened, in a universe that had become so very broken. And yet...it felt defiant.

Lifting an eyebrow he said, "If I had known the root was innocent, I would not have immediately cast it into the garbage disposal and pulverized it."

Nyota huffed again and rolled her forehead over onto his chest; he couldn't see her expression, but happiness and amusement

danced in his fingertips. "My Spock, you're back," she said.

He kissed the top of her head, never taking his fingers from her temples.

Without looking up she said, "Spock, I sent an email to admin...I asked about resigning my commission. They said the only way out would be a dishonorable discharge."

Spock felt relief in his fingertips. She didn't really want to leave Starfleet. Lifting her head to look up at him she said, "I'm sorry...I..."

"A dishonorable discharge would be unacceptable," said Spock.

Nyota nodded. "But I was glad they made the choice for me. I feel like the only two constants in my life right now are you, and the trajectory my career was on..." Closing her eyes, she lowered her head to his chest. "I don't know about New Vulcan." She took a deep breath. "I'm afraid of what I'd be getting myself into. There are great Vulcans, and...Vulcans that really do look down on humans."

"And if they pick a planet with an environment similar to Vulcan's, the gravity will be higher, ambient daytime temperature will be hotter, and the atmosphere thinner and drier. It would be physically uncomfortable for you," Spock said.

Looking up at him she said, "You know, you would make a really bad salesman." There was a touch of humor in her words, though.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "It is logical to give you all the data you require to make an informed decision."

She folded her hands on his chest and lowered her chin. Eyes not leaving his she said, "I'm more worried about the cultural aspects. You will be able to pass for full Vulcan. I won't.

Sometimes when societies undergo a crisis they become more insular, not less. Part of me thinks that is a good reason to go with you, to fight the good fight for Vulcan-human relations -"

Spock pressed his fingers against her temples more firmly. "A dishonorable discharge is not acceptable, Nyota." And it wasn't. It would be a mark on her for life.

"I don't want to give up on us yet," she whispered.

"Then we will not," said Spock. He had his own insecurities on this matter; five years was a long time, for a human - but they'd been apart before.

"I'll get so much done without you around," Nyota said. "It might be helpful for my career."

Spock blinked.

"I'm trying to think of the positives," Nyota said. She looked down. "I've been looking forward to us being together again for so long - I need to talk myself into the idea of us being apart again." Shrugging, she said, "When you weren't around the last two years, it was easier to focus on my studies."

Spock stared at her. Despite her words he felt her sadness and apprehension through his fingertips; he wanted to make it go away. "I am sure there is a witty rejoinder for that," he said. "I do not know what it is."

Nyota gave a small smile. "At least we're talking again."

Spock looked up at the ceiling. Her emotions and his were still jumbled. And yet...he felt some hopefulness from her.

...they were really back where they started from a day ago, but it was slightly better.

**A/N:**

So yes, maybe a few people hate me right now. My interpretation of the scene between Spock!Prime and Reboot!Spock. I like Spock in TOS, but he was badly written here.

Notes doesn't like this because it destroys the "Hero Arc" of the story. She wrote very eloquently of it to me in an email I might have to put in the reviews.

I haven't thought of "hero arcs" in a long time. I just felt that the whole scene was contrived, and I really didn't like it. I feel like Spock needs a logical reason to stay in Starfleet...and I don't think that his reasons for leaving are entirely based on logic either (there is logic, but emotion too). Notes says that Spock!Prime was saying to reconcile his logic with his emotions and it was very symbolic because Spock!Reboot was hearing that message from himself – but I didn't hear that message. I just heard "What feels right" and got annoyed.

Yes, he will wind up on the Enterprise...but it will be a few more chapters.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own. I don't profit.**

Special thanks to Beta Notes from the Classroom.

**Chapter 6**

_T'Pera, T'Ping, T'Pura..._

No, not there.

"I am getting some tea," his father said. "Would you care to join me?"

Spock looked up over his PADD. He was sharing his father's office in the Embassy. Being in close quarters with his father did not aggravate him as it once had. He felt more peaceful in Sarek's presence than he did with Nyota even - there wasn't the specter of impending separation, he supposed.

"No, thank you, father," he said. "I have just begun something. It would be best to finish."

"Of course," said Sarek, standing up from the long table they were sharing as a desk.

Sarek walked out of Spock's line of vision. The office door whooshed open and shut behind him. Spock scanned back up the list of Vulcan expats on Epsilon 1235. _T'Laia. _He scrolled over on the spreadsheet to the column listing bond mates. T'Laia's bond-mate was listed as Jonathan. It was her. Spock had been combining data from databases and spreadsheets for days. It was the first time he'd seen the name of a survivor he'd recognized.

The last time he'd seen "them," Jonathan, a human, had been embroiled in a debate with T'Laia over whether their children should have pointed or round ears. Jonathan was pro pointed, T'Laia wanted round, and since they'd have to use genetic engineering anyway -

He tilted his head. The doctors who had engineered him had perished in the destruction of Vulcan.

The door whooshed open and shut again. That was fast. Spock continued his perusal of the records.

"I found you."

Spock froze. That was not his father's voice. He decided not to acknowledge the speaker. Instead, he pressed a few buttons on his PADD and went back to his task.

Jim Kirk walked around the table. "Hey."

Spock looked up and raised an eyebrow. "State your purpose."

"They're going to make me captain of the Enterprise," Jim said. He was standing in his red cadet dress uniform. It was quite incongruous with his statement.

"I heard," said Spock. It was a publicity stunt, according to his father. Spock did have respect for Jim Kirk, but he was too young and inexperienced to be captain. Doubtlessly the 'honor' would go to Kirk's head.

"I want you to be my XO," said Kirk.

Spock stared at him. He only took on the task of being XO for Pike because Pike and Number One had essentially begged him to when Number One had become sick. He really didn't relish the task of being First Officer.

"...and my science officer, of course," said Kirk.

Spock raised an eyebrow. Now science officer, on the other hand...

He lowered his head and hit a few buttons quickly on his PADD to change the format of the spread sheet to one that could be imported into the main survivor database. "I am in the process of resigning my commission."

"You are still in your instructor uniform," said Jim.

"You are still in your cadet uniform," said Spock.

"Gotta wait for the paperwork to go through and -"

"Exactly," said Spock.

Without asking, Jim slid into a seat across from him. Running a hand through his hair he said, "Look, I'm not an idiot. This whole thing - me being a captain; it's a publicity stunt. I'm not ready to be captain. Even _I _know that."

Spock lifted an eyebrow. Apparently, the 'honor' had not gone to Kirk's head. Yet. "Then why did you accept the captaincy?"

"I didn't...at first." Kirk took a deep breath and looked away. "They can be very persuasive."

Turning back to Spock he said, "Half of them expect me to be monkey on a string for them, and the other half expect me to be so rebellious they can promptly demote me to some freighter ship on the edge of nowhere."

"I am unsure how my being your science officer and XO could prevent either of those scenarios from playing out," said Spock.

"I need the best, the best there is, to be my crew," said Kirk. "That's why come hell or high water I'm keeping Cupcake, and I'm going to convince McCoy, Scotty, Sulu and Chekov to join me." He looked Spock directly in the eyes. "And I'm getting Uhura, too."

Spock straightened. He'd heard how Kirk had tried to get Nyota three years ago.

Kirk rolled his eyes. "Easy there, Tiger." Taking a deep breath he said, "I'm getting her for my _crew_. She's the best communications officer there is. Geez, that was supposed to be a clincher for you, not make you -"

Spock tilted his head. "If you knew anything about me you would know that I put duty first and foremost, and whatever my relationship with Lieutenant Nyota Uhura -"

"Like on the transporter pad?" shot Kirk.

Spock took a deep breath. That had been a breach of protocol...a concession to her...or to him? He had fully expected to die.

"Look, you thought you were going to die," Kirk said.

Spock tilted his head. He understood? Empathy was such a weak point for Spock. Despite Kirk's presumptions, Spock did not think the human was an idiot. From a purely objective standpoint, he knew Kirk was quite intelligent. Intelligence tempered with empathy could make him a very effective leader... s_omeday_.

"We can do great things together, Spock; I know it," said Kirk.

Spock felt himself go hot. "If you are basing this prediction on something you heard from my...counterpart, I must inform you that it is illogical."

Kirk pulled back and blinked; his jaw dropped. "You know about him?"

"I know about him and have met him," Spock said. "And as you will notice, the universe has not folded in on itself, nor is it scheduled to do so for another -"

"He set me up?" said Kirk scowling. "He set _us_ up? You, me, the Enterprise, Earth...the fucking galaxy!"

Kirk stood up quickly. The chair he was on went sliding across the floor. "What the Hell!"

Spock tilted his head as Kirk began to pace the room. "Our interpretations of his behavior are much the same."

Kirk put a hand to his eyes and stopped pacing. "When he showed me...I mean...told me...he was emotionally compromised." Raising his hand he said, "But that doesn't matter. This isn't about the other universe. In that universe I had hazel eyes, too -"

"Really?" said Spock, feeling his anger fade. "How fascinating." The genes that control eye color were more complex than the simple Mendel square presented in beginners' biology acknowledged. Spock wondered where the mutation had occurred...and why had his counterpart told this Kirk that odd detail?

This line of thought was superfluous. He looked down at his PADD and the spreadsheet. Perhaps on the New Vulcan colony he would be able to put his interest in science to good use. If there was time. So much effort would have to go to establishing self sufficiency. His scientific abilities would go to implementation more than experimentation and discovery.

"I'm not talking about anything Spock...the other Spock, said to me," said Kirk. Pulling the chair back and sitting down, he added. "I'm talking about what I saw, on the Narada, on the Enterprise. You and me fighting together, and working together. We don't get along all the time..."

Spock tilted his head.

"Much at all..." said Kirk, "But that's what makes us good; that's what makes us work. You and McCoy will keep me in line...and your girlfriend, too, she's never been afraid to give me a piece of her mind. Think of it, you, me, Uhura...on the starship with the best science facilities in the galaxy..."

Spock's jaw tightened. He dropped his eyes.

Behind him the door whooshed open. He felt his jaw muscles relax of their own accord. "Spock," his father said in his most level tones. "We need to prepare for the memorial service."

Kirk stood up. He nodded in Sarek's direction and then turned back to Spock. "Think about it." And then he left.

Spock turned and watched him go before standing to join his father.

"What was the purpose of his visit?" asked Sarek.

"To request I be science officer and XO on the Enterprise," said Spock.

Something in his side near the location of his heart went tight. Spock wasn't able to trace the source of the emotion. His emotions did get jumbled of late - was he pained by the separation from Nyota, by the dullness of the tasks he would most likely face on New Vulcan? Most likely both.

He fell into step with his father and they passed the two children in the office next door. Their aunt still had not been found. Resolution burned inside him again.

"My duty is to my people right now," Spock said.

The tension in his side lessened.

x x x x

Spock and his father separated when they reached the site of the memorial service in Golden Gate Park. His father was to give a speech and needed to speak with some of the sound technicians. Spock was going to get Nyota.

She was at the predetermined location at the foot of the hill. It was difficult to reach her; humans and other aliens filled the pathways. There were Vulcans, too, but very few. She was standing on tip toes facing away from him when he slipped his fingers onto hers. Apprehension in his fingertips went to warm familiarity as she turned around. "Sneaky," she said, a smile on her face, without a trace of disapproval. And then he felt sadness, and her pushing it away. "I miss you doing things like that when we're apart."

Spock tilted his head down at her. He would miss doing things like that.

"Commander Spock," said a controlled voice from behind him. Nyota turned her eyes from him. She smiled. "Ashanti, Tyback."

Spock kept his fingers on Nyota's and turned to face the only other Vulcan in Starfleet.

Cadet Nirsh Skann Tyback was nearly as tall as Spock, but his skin was slightly more olive, his shoulders broader. He was from another class of Vulcan than Spock, most likely by blood, but also by circumstance. Nirsh Skann meant "No Family."

Tyback had a most unusual mind. He had a memory that would be considered less than exemplary in a human. On Vulcan it relegated him to the status of "disadvantaged" - he'd been a tractor mechanic on his homeworld, but some human scientists had recognized that his analytical abilities were extraordinary for a human or Vulcan and recommended he apply for Starfleet. The only impediment had been Tyback's Standard - Nyota and Spock had arranged for him to get private tutoring from Cadet Ashanti Patel.

...who was now walking next to Tyback, fingers on his. Spock tilted his head. Tyback had been extremely motivated to find a bond-mate before his 21st birthday. Spock raised an eyebrow. The prospect of death focused the mind in war and_ love, _apparently.

Neither of them were in Starfleet's graduating class. They had been safely on Earth when the Enterprise confronted the Narada.

"Are those rings?" said Nyota. Spock felt her excitement.

"Yes," said Ashanti with a smile. "We're married, bonded, the works." She looked at Spock. "A lot of it is thanks to your mother."

Spock looked down.

"_We grieve with thee," _said Tyback.

"_Thank you. And I with thee." _said Spock. He knew his mother had sent care packages to Tyback while he was in basic training...and even if he had not been acquainted with her, Tyback would have lost friends and colleagues - as they all had.

"Your mother's explanations of...things...really helped," said Ashanti. "We had the ceremonies over spring break. In India and on Vulcan."

Spock could guess what sort of things Amanda had explained. Pon Farr was a difficult topic -

"We heard you are resigning your commission," said Tyback.

Spock looked up.

"It is not illogical" said Tyback. "Your skill set is broad. You can do a great deal of good for our people establishing a colony."

Tilting his head, Spock said, "You are not resigning?"

"No," said Tyback. "In the Vulcan colony I would be a tractor mechanic - a valuable skill set, but one not particularly difficult to learn. In Starfleet I am a starship engineer."

"A very good one," said Ashanti her eyes went sideways to Tyback. "That is quantifiable."

Tyback regarded her for a moment and then said, "The colony will be dependent on Starfleet for protection for many years to come, and the fleet lost many good engineers. To serve my people best, it is logical I keep my commission."

Something like hope flashed in Spock's fingers, and then guilt. Spock stared at Tyback.

Nyota said to Ashanti, "You bonded - with no problems?" Envy burned in Spock's fingers. His attempts to bond with Nyota had not gone well.

Ashanti nodded, "Yes, we were really lucky; in 25% of human Vulcan couples it doesn't work...the humans become ill, nothing that is lethal, but headaches, nausea...The healer in Tyback's village had no experience with humans - if something had gone wrong I wonder how much she could have helped." She shrugged.

Looking down Tyback said, "It was necessary." The bent head was the only show of emotion Spock had ever seen from the rough Vulcan. Tyback was perhaps the most logical, controlled Vulcan Spock had ever known. He envied Tyback for it.

Ashanti put a hand on his shoulder, "It was great."

Tyback looked up. "The ceremony will begin in 3.5 minutes. We should proceed."

Spock nodded and the two couples made their way up the hill. For the first time, he felt doubt about the logic of his choice to go to the Vulcan colony. Would his skills really be more useful there? He was, quantitatively, a very good science officer and a good soldier, even if he doubted he had the leadership potential Number One and Pike believed him to have.

He felt uneasy.

As they walked through the crowd, murmurs went up around them. Whispers of "Vulcans, let them go to the front." They got close enough to the podium that Spock could look his father in the eye.

Sarek's gaze went to Spock, then to Nyota, and back to Spock again. For a fraction of a second the uneasiness intensified.

Of course Spock had told Sarek about Nyota. He had not had the energy to dissemble on the matter. He had also told his father that Nyota approved of his decision to go with him to the colony.

Spock nodded at his father. Sarek tilted his head, and Spock's uneasiness vanished.

**A/N:**

Read "The Girls Alright" and you can see who Spock is looking for. It's a lighter, funnier assault on cannon than this.

Almost done! If you read and enjoyed, please leave a review!


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own. I don't profit.**

Special thanks to Beta Notes from the Classroom. She has a wonderful pre-romance Spock-Uhura fic now (yay! Romantic tension!) called "What We Think We Know". It's in my faves…check it out.

**Chapter 7 **

"I don't know what you want me to say," Nyota said, trying to keep her voice even. She looked at Spock sitting in his meditation position at the foot of her bed. It was barely 06:00. He was already dressed in black regulation trousers and a black sweater; she was kneeling in front of him on the bed, wearing only a light summer nightgown.

Putting her hands to face, she got up and paced her room. "Of course, I think Starfleet would be a logical choice. You're great at what you do – a phenomenal scientist and a cool head in combat…New Vulcan is safer with you in the stars above them…"

She'd been told by Pike that Spock combined the best of brains and lethal force. And now she'd seen it for herself.

"But I can't be completely logical about this," she said. "I want you to say yes to Kirk, I want you to be with me –"

She put her hands down. This was a test – a test of her character. She couldn't make this decision for him; she could not live with that weight on her.

She looked out her window. In the distance she could see Golden Gate Park. Mist was rising from the trees.

"But it doesn't matter what I feel," she said, turning to Spock. "Or what I think. It matters what you feel and you think."

Spock was staring down at the mattress. "I find it impossible to extricate logic from emotion on this matter. On the Enterprise there is you –"

He looked up at her for a moment then down again, his jaw tightened, and she felt herself melt a little. "And the prospect of new discoveries…"

He took a deep breath. "But how much I would be aiding my people – "

He raised an eyebrow. "It is uncertain. If we are on an exploratory mission…" He tilted his head. "Can what one desires dovetail so neatly with what is logical?"

Nyota sighed. "I don't think there is anywhere Surak says it can't."

Raising an eyebrow Spock said, "No, his teachings are inconveniently silent on the matter."

Nyota wanted to make a dig at the 'inconvenient' remark, but remembered how relieved she was to have Starfleet to make up her mind for her.

Taking a deep breath she said, "I'm going to make some tea. Would you like some?"

Spock looked up at her. "No, there is some place I need to go."

She nodded. She wondered where he needed to be so early, but was too tired to ask.

Unwinding his legs, Spock slipped from the bed and brought his hand to her temple. There was affection there, but confusion was the dominant emotion she felt now. It was actually better than the emptiness he often felt – and a lot better than the anger. He would not touch her temples when he was angry, but his emotions seemed to strike him unawares now. Sometimes she felt the heat of his rage just before he withdrew his fingers.

He kissed her and a few minutes later he was gone.

X x x x

Spock walked down the hill in the narrow road in the Sunset District to a non-descript, square, cream-colored house.

He checked his internal clock. It was 06:35. He was about to ring the bell, but before he got a chance, the door opened.

"Spock," said his father. "Come in."

Spock tilted his head. There was a light telepathic bond between Vulcan parents and their children, but his bond with his father had always been weak. It would be odd if Sarek could feel his presence right then at the door. Had his father seen him coming?

Following Sarek, still in his meditation robes, Spock felt the familiar calm that came over him when he was near his father now. Was it the revelation that Sarek had shared on the Enterprise? Or the fact that he had no other Vulcan kin that were not estranged?

It was a comfortable change. Their relationship had been tenuous when Spock decided to enter Starfleet. Spock interpreted it as Sarek condoning the prejudice of the Vulcan Science Academy. His mother said it was because Sarek thought Spock would not be intellectually challenged enough in Starfleet and was letting the VSA's illogical prejudice influence his logic.

At least at first, Sarek had been right about Starfleet. Spock had not been challenged – and had used his free time in ways Vulcans would find…questionable.

"Would you like some tea?" Sarek asked moving through the small hallway towards the kitchen, floorboards squeaking beneath his feet.

"No, thank you, Father," Spock said.

The house was not grand. His parents had lived here before his father was designated Earth Ambassador and "were forced," in his mother's words, to move into the official residence.

But they'd kept the house. Later, when his father was named Ambassador to the Federation and they were keeping a low profile – visiting friends or family on Earth-they would stay here.

Instead of going into the kitchen, Sarek went into the sparsely finished living room. The smell of incense filled Spock's nostrils. There was a familiar couch and ottoman in front of a large bay window. In one corner there was a burner where incense still burned.

"You are troubled," said Sarek sitting down on the ottoman and indicating Spock towards the couch. "Speak your mind."

His father read his emotions so easily...and yet Spock had difficulty reading Sarek. All he felt was calm.

Spock's emotions came over him quickly lately; one moment he was apathetic, the next he was filled with rage. Perhaps it was his general level of confusion?

Looking down at his hands he said, "I am questioning the logic of resigning from Starfleet."

He felt something constrict in the location of his side but continued. "On New Vulcan I will be useful, but my skills will be replaceable." New Vulcan would not lack scientists, or computer programmers among the expatriates.

"But the skills required for my service to Starfleet, especially as an XO and science officer, are much more difficult to replace," Spock said. His training and experience, specific knowledge of vessels and protocols, indeed, even his knowledge of human culture - the dominant culture within Starfleet-these were things that no other Vulcan would have.

"The new colony will not have a military. Perhaps staying in Starfleet would better serve our people," said Spock.

"I see," said Sarek. Voice completely level he said, "Have you consulted with others on this matter? Mr. Kirk, Ms. Uhura, perhaps?"

Not looking up, Spock said, "I did speak with Nyota...Ms. Uhura, but she said she is unable to be logical about this matter -"

A flash of anger erupted in his stomach. Spock looked up. Sarek was staring at him, head tilted. "And you think I can be?" A wave of pain and fear rushed through him and Spock contained the urge to shiver.

Of course he had thought...his father was always logical. Even when he told him not to contain his anger it had been with purpose - Spock understood that. But now...

Sarek put his elbows on his knees and steepled his hands together. Laying his head upon his hands in a most unVulcan like manner, he said, "Forgive me." He took a deep breath, and all the anger, fear and pain retreated from Spock like a sigh. Spock felt very alone.

His father had been projecting, probably since the destruction of Vulcan. He tilted his head and remembered his father excusing himself when Spock declined the dinner invitation with Josef. Spock wasn't the only one who was suffering lapses in emotional control.

Sarek stood from the ottoman and walked towards the window saying nothing. He looked on the outside as he always had to Spock. Distant. Aloof. Perfectly controlled in every manner. Control Spock did not believe himself ever capable of fully possessing. Control he envied. Control that he was sure Sarek wished in him.

But he'd slipped through the cracks in Sarek's exterior now. Maybe the cracks had always been there; he'd just been unable to see them? If his mother were here she would have gone to Sarek's side, put her hands on his...Spock would have seen only his mother's emotion. Not his father's. And he would have been embarrassed for his mother, for her emotional display. His father never voiced any disapproval for his mother's actions, and Spock had always thought it was because it would be illogical to complain about a human's behavior when one had married a human.

Maybe Sarek simply hadn't minded.

And now the calm that Spock usually felt when he was with Sarek...Perhaps having Spock nearby was calming to Sarek, and he was reflecting that to his son. It seemed unlikely. The tone of their relationship seemed to range from mutual disapproval to at best cordiality. Sometimes Spock was surprised that there was any familial link between them at all.

But things could change.

"Your doubts, about remaining in Starfleet?" Sarek asked.

Spock blinked. Standing up he said, "It is possible my engagement will not directly serve the interests of the new colony at all. It could wind up being an exploratory mission. Or if I accept posting aboard the Enterprise, a mission that is symbolic more than substantial." Perhaps Starfleet would relegate their publicity stunt captain to superficial tasks.

"And, I believe," Spock said, "that the prospect personal and professional satisfaction serving on the Enterprise might bring is clouding my judgment."

"An exploratory or symbolic mission..." said Sarek.

"Either would be less dangerous than the military engagement you expect with the Romulans," said Spock. "But perhaps less useful to New Vulcan."

"Less dangerous than an engagement with the Romulans?" said Sarek. "Like the routine repair to the reactor you performed on Epsilon 1235? Or your recent humanitarian mission to Vulcan?"

Spock straightened at the sarcasm behind the nearly toneless words. During the routine repair on Epsilon 1235, Klingons had invaded. Spock's life had been in grave danger. And the humanitarian mission to Vulcan...

He did not know what to say, so Spock said nothing for 4.35 minutes.

His father's shoulders rose and fell noticeably. "The benefits of exploration for the Federation - and therefore all Vulcans- cannot be discounted. Moreover," said Sarek, "I think that you do not fully grasp the power of symbols."

Putting his hands behind his back, Sarek said softly, "To have one of our own as second in command aboard Starfleet's flagship would remind our friends that though our numbers are small, we are still committed to serving the Federation...and it would make our enemies think twice."

Spock walked over to stand next to his father, processing his words. He was saying a career in Starfleet was still logical.

Spock gazed at his father's profile. Sarek was not looking at him, only gazing out at the mist. He'd lost as much as Spock, maybe more. And now he was giving up all he had left.

If his mother were here she would put an arm around his father's back, or take his hand...

There was a part of Spock that wanted to do so now, but he found he could not. His hands went behind his back seemingly of their own volition. But closing his eyes, he tried to find that

spot within him where the parental bond existed - difficult now that his father had retreated. Focusing all the gratitude he felt on that spot he said softly, "Thank you, Father."

Sarek said nothing. He just stared out at the mist.

x x x x

Canceling one's resignation apparently took as much effort and paperwork as submitting your resignation.

Spock almost didn't get it done before the Enterprise's first short test run after the replacement of the temporary warp core, so Kirk and the rest of the crew may have been slightly surprised to see him aboard - although he'd certainly shared his intentions with Nyota and the Captain.

Nyota had sworn that it would be impossible for him to navigate Starfleet's bureaucracy in time - even with his Vulcan photographic memory of all Starfleet protocols. Kirk had agreed with her, and even tried to bet Spock wouldn't have his enlistment reinstated before the test run...Still, the Captain hadn't assigned another XO.

Spock couldn't suppress quirking his lips triumphantly at the Captain when he applied for the position on the bridge, nor could he wipe that quirk from his lips as he strode past Nyota's station to his own.

He also couldn't help but notice Nyota grin.

x x x x

After his first shift and briefing were over, Spock went immediately to Nyota's quarters. He pressed the door chime and heard a loud, "Come in!" The door whooshed open and he found himself facing Nyota lifting up her mattress and putting on non-regulation sheets - she complained Starfleet sheets were

scratchy.

"Lieutenant," said Spock. "I didn't realize you were busy. Perhaps you want to focus on your professional pursuits right now?"

A pillow flew through the air and hit him squarely on the face. Spock watched it drop to the ground, put his hands behind his back, lifted an eyebrow in her direction and stepped into her quarters.

A wide smile on her face, Nyota said, "Door close."

_**FIN**_

To answer some general questions: TOS Kirk and Co. went back in time a lot - I'm sure this universe changed even before the Narada. I think Sarek was a little mellower in Reboot!, and because of what happened to Vulcan I think there is room for their relationship to be better in this universe.

Some might think Nyota weak for not pushing Spock back into Starfleet. I don't think so at all! I think she was letting him make up his own mind. I wouldn't want to be responsible for that sort of decision for someone else! That could be held against you later...

And I don't think Sarek was purposely trying to manipulate Spock...I hope that came through. I like Sarek a lot. He is super logical - and kind of quietly heroic here.

As to "What Feels Right"...I think we give too much importance to that "feeling" in our culture. A lot of the things that "feel right" at the moment, are incorrect. Irrational exuberance, the madness of crowds, the heat of the moment...etc. Not always, of course!


End file.
